Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.