Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost