If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
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This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.