The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
The government even made aliens boring
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.