Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away