ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
doing some research
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you