Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”