I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
#Caturday
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you