hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
You Might Also Like
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Oh boy, $150,000!
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you