Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
You Might Also Like
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.