This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.