The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Every damn time
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.