Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Life with a cat in one tweet
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Yes
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Boom, boom, ching!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*