Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.