I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME: