GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
WTF IS THAT!
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?