Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.