Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
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Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂