ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
why would tinder want me to say this
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
me after drinking all the wine:
and now we wait
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.