Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter