You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
john wicks are toilet candles
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.