Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.