Running your mouth is not cardio.
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone