wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
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The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.