My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.