Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
crying
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth