*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I didn’t come here to be called names
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on