I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
You Might Also Like
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are