I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
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Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Can’t, holding a grudge
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*