My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Do one person every day that scares you.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.