Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Nice try, poison.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Just why bro?!
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?