My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.