INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Here’s a meme
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*