The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: