Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
The glory of fall.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*