oh you like architecture? name three walls
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”