[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
what kind of cook setting is this??
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’