The 5 signs of laziness
1.
You Might Also Like
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”