“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed