First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I finally found a reason to live again.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.