[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sunday
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE