ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”