I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?