I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.