These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Scream sneezers need love too.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
S O O N
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
LOL
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.