I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
This is why I hate group projects
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio