Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
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Sign of the day..
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: