Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.