Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Here’s a meme
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician