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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce